Sunday, September 2, 2012

Virginia Interviews Herself

...much to the amusement of all involved. Ha! Get it? 'Cause it's just me... Never mind.

Let's see... Better yet, I'll have one of my characters interview me. That'll be more fun. For one of us at least... (I'm all about ellipses today, not sure why that is...) Teehee. See what I did there?

Wow. Well that was disturbing. Let's get Gwen out here and see if she can stop this nonsense.

Hey, Virginia.

Hey, Gwen. How's it going?

Well enough, I suppose. I was just hanging out in my backyard enjoying some mountain air and watching Simon fell some trees for his... whatever he's making next. 

That sounds nice. Well, do you mind helping me out for a few minutes?

Not at all. What are we up to?

I need to tell my new readers (assuming I have any) a bit about myself, but I hate writing bios. I was hoping you could interview me.

Umm... You realize that's the same as talking to yourself right?

Well, no. You're not really me. You're a character of mine. What you would do and say is different than what I would do and say so...

So, it's like letting one personality from a multiple personality disorder interview the other?

No. It's like letting one of my characters interview me.

Right. Totally different. Forgive me.

Look, are you going to help me or not?

As it happens, I have nothing better to do. But I would like to point out that this is much more Luke's kind of thing.

I do not need Lucifer interviewing me, thank you very much. That would turn into something totally... inappropriate.

Ha! Quite possibly, but he would enjoy it.

And you won't?

I won't answer that.

Very politic of you. Can we start now?

Sure. What should I ask you?

Pretend you don't know me, and you've never read my stuff and you want to know things that will entice you to read my stuff.

Well, that shouldn't be too hard. I never have read any of your stuff.

Well, that being the case, you're still very familiar with at least one of my novels.

Only because it's my life.

A tiny portion of your life. Look, are we interviewing me or what?

Fine. Ahem. What's your name?

Everyone knows that already but Virginia McClain.

Is that your full name?

No. But I'm not putting my full name on the internet. That's my real first and last name. That's enough.

Fine. Where are you from Virginia?

You had to ask the hardest question first!

The hardest question? That's generally considered one of the easy ones.

Yeah. For most people... Look, I'm from... Everywhere.

Everywhere? You can't be from everywhere.

Sure I can. You are.

Yeah, but I'm a goddess. I really am from everywhere. You're not.

Ok. I'm not from everywhere the way that you are, but I am from a LOT of places.

Such as?

Such as... look do you really want the whole list?

Yes.

Seriously? It's long.

Well, you asked me to interview you, and that's what we're going to do. Are you going to be this difficult on EVERY question?

No. Ok fine. Here's the list: Maryland, Arizona, Germany, Virginia, Colorado, Ohio, Spain, Washington DC, Massachusetts, Canada and Japan.

You're not from all of those places!

I've lived in all those places and I haven't lived in any place long enough to dominate the others. So YES I am from all of those places.

What's the longest you've ever lived in one place?

In a stretch? Six years.

What place do you consider "home"?

Wherever my bed is, but if you insist on pinning me down, Colorado.

Where do you live now?

Arizona.

Can you be more specific?

 I could but I don't feel like it at the moment. How about Northern Arizona? Is that better?

 I don't know. Is it?

 Ha! Yes, I think it is.

What do you do for a living?

I teach languages at a small private school.

Why do you write?

Because if I didn't write I would go insane. Imagine if I had conversations like this out loud all the time.

Hmm... yeah, I can't imagine they'd let you hang out in public much. 

Right. So, there you go. That's what makes writing so vital to me. Brain spilling over with stories and characters, I need a place to put them.

Makes sense. Must be crowded in there.

You have no idea.

I might actually.

Good point. I suppose you might.

So, what kinds of things do you write? 

I write novels, short stories, and humorous nonfiction including this blog.

What genres do you write in?

That depends. My short stories tend to be action adventure, but a number of them are fantasy or sci-fi. My novels tend to be largely fantasy, with a couple of exceptions.

Interesting, I guess I'm in one of the exceptions then.

Sort of. I mean, you're kind of fantasy, a bit... I mean... you are a goddess.

And?

Well, gods and goddesses aren't commonly accepted as... living among us.

But, you're the ones that believe in us.

Yes, well... There's believing and... believing. Look. Can we talk about this later?

Hmph... well, I suppose. But make no mistake, we WILL talk about this later.

Agreed.

Hmm... let's see then... Where were we... Ah yes. What have you had published so far?

Ah... well. Two short stories.

And your novels?

None of my novels have been published yet.

None aside from mine you mean?

Umm... no. I mean none including yours.

What? How is that possible? It's FINISHED. Isn't it?

Well, that depends on your definition of finished... I've done a few drafts on it. But it still needs some major revision.

I thought you were talking to a publisher about it?

 I was. I am! But, I still need to make some changes before I can send him a draft for publication.

So MAKE them.

I plan to. I've been... busy.

Busy? You've been on summer vacation until three weeks ago.

Yeah, and I was busy being on vacation.

I see.

Look, Gwen. I'm sorry. If it makes you feel any better I haven't published any of my other completed novels either.

Why would that make me feel better?

Because you're in good company?

Why was that a question?

Because I'm afraid of you?

Stop it.

Sorry.

Look, let's try another question shall we?

Sure. What have you got?

Why are you such a lazy piece of crap when it comes to submitting your novels for publication?

Hey! I am NOT lazy when it comes to submitting, I'm just lazy when it comes to revision!

Right. The result is the same. How many novels have you written? At least in terms of finished first drafts.

Umm... Three full first drafts and one over 100,000 words.

This interview is over.

What? Why? You haven't even asked me about my personal life!

This is silly. You should be writing. No, better yet, you should be REVISING!

I know, I know. But I AM writing. I just started a new project that I want to tell people about. You should ask me about it!

No. YOU should finish your other projects instead of starting a new one.

But I need a distraction before I get back to revising Gwendamned.

Hmph. A likely story.

It's true! Look. I promise I'll finish revising Gwendamned before the end of the year and send it off to the publisher.

...

I promise!

Fine. Tell me about this new project.

I'm writing a collection of short stories that I plan on self publishing.

Well that sounds interesting. Will I be needed for any of them?

You might. I haven't decided if they're going to be themed yet or not. The first one doesn't have much to do with you yet... but actually, it could. Might make a nice prequel to your and Simon's story.

Sounds intriguing. I look forward to reading them. I guess, I don't need to look forward to finding out what happens. If they're prequels I guess I've already gone through it. 

True. I suppose you'll just have to look forward to finding out which adventures I choose to share with the world.

Indeed.

Yep. So...?

Get to work.

But - I... Ok. Fine.


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